Sunday, July 28, 2013

Girls are stupid

I'm with two girls in a car, at exactly this moment, and I am wishing for the ability to be attracted to men because of the fact that women lack a basic ability to be interesting, funny, or purposefully entertaining.

Tuesday, July 2, 2013

Holy "Yeezus," was that Bad or What!?

Kanye West's, "Yeezus," Album Review

I wrote this a while ago but forgot to post it.  Mainly, because I'm fucking dumb.

While many critics gave this album 5 stars, I move the decimal point to the left and give this album .5 stars. 

The one half of a star, which I have generously donated to this so-called album, is intended only for track 10 - the only semi-listenable track on this shit-topping pizza.  Normally, this track wouldn't standout, but, here, it is like the one sane kid who is hanging at the back of the recess line, desperately trying to disassociate himself with his more retarded classmates before they are all let out to play.  The reason is, the kid's classmates are totally into raping the ears of unwilling citizens, and, unlike them, this kid is 100% against ear rape; and all ear rape he deems to be legitimate ear rape... That is why, both the kid and the album get half of a gold star.

With that said, Kanye's last solo album was one of the best, if not the best, album(s) of 2010.  After listening through it in its entirety for months on end, I still thoroughly enjoyed it.  Even my initial reaction was, "Wow, would ya look at that... Kanye has really put some time into his WRITING.  On that album one might find some cleverly worded puns and metaphors, improved wordplay, a very minimal amount of simpleton punchlines, AND he is not poorly assembling random rhymey words together, like, "Any ladies in the house without a spouse?/Something in ya blouse got me feelin' so aroused.. Whatchu about?," just for the fuckin' sake of just making words rhyme...  The album prior to that one, however, was 808 and... I just shot myself in the face listening to this garbage that was so horrendous that Jay-Z had to come along and make an anti-autotune song to keep his investment's image alive.  Yeezus is like 808's, but even further beyond.

But, I get it... Push the envelope within the music genre to redefine the music genre and say, "I DID THAT"... But, this isn't that.  I mean, it is in a sense... but, it doesn't do it well, so it really isn't.  And, sure, others will follow suit and eventually someone will do it well... Then Kanye will take credit for it and we'll have to watch him be a fishstick on television all over again as he parades his new baby around in leather pants and does photoshoots with his attention junkie wife who's claim to fame was a sex tape with a B-level R&B artist... And I use the term artist loosely.

The problem is, Kanye is not a Pink Floyd of his genre.  Meaning, someone who could SUCCESSFULLY (key word) push the envelope time and time again.  Kanye is an outspoken manchild who is totally marketable because of that reason, and one other: he is a VERY talented producer.  So talented, in fact, that only people in the music business noticed that he punched-in on just about every other bar on his first couple albums.  But that is it, he is a PRODUCER RAPPER.... So, fuckin' Christ (Rolling Stone and other critics who buy into the hype of artists like Kanye, or Drake *jab*, this is for you), would you please stop with the praise of this dude's cheese-sauce lyricism, and if you are going to accredit him, do it for what he is good at... Producing music.

Still, even with this blemish, I hold a small amount of heavily scrutinized faith that he can rise from this trash's ashes.  But, in the meanwhile, all this album succeeded to do for me was give me a reassuring nod in confirmation to my belief that Kanye hires someone to come in the studio and advise him on what to say to totally fuck up, what otherwise could be, a good song.

Start Scene:

"Listen, Ye, that line was way too cool and articulate... That's just simply not like you... You wanna be a good rapper?  Naw, man, you do not.  Leave that real rappin' shit to Jiggaman... I'ma need you to get to rewriting those lines that you had so they sound super cheeeeeeeesy.... Like nacho cheese, cheesy...  Ya heard!?  Like, seriously, as much cheese as you can put into a line... Do that!... And don't worry if it even makes sense at all... Now, get to work... 


Kanye accepted the challenge by stating, "Fuck yeah, I can do that."  And, so, he started rapping and from out of his mouth came, "I keep it 300 like the Romans..."

And his friend was like, "that's what da fuck I'm talking about, Ye.  But can you please explain?"

And so Kanye replied with, "You know, because who needs to keep it 100%?  101%?....  110%? .... Nope, fuck that, 300%.  Final answer, hashtag... and, yeah, I was referencing a movie based around Spartans... And, yeah, that's dope, cause Spartans are mad mothafuckin' Roman... I payed lots of attention in history class and movies, my nucknick."

"Actually, my overconfident and misguided friend, they are Greek." 

"Man, stop with that white shit... Greek or Roman, man, they're all the same.  I'm a let them have some of that real shit...  What do you think it is like being fuckin' Kanye West?  All these Greek Roman dudes be trying to kill black Yeezus, playa..."

"Exactly, Mr. West, that was exactly the type of cheese I was looking for."

End Scene.

It's either that, or, when he is actually lyrically on point, like in MBDTF, he has a fucking ghost writer (which, if that works for him, I believe he should do that because his music would resonate much better with me.).  Hmmm.  Somewhat of a coin-toss. 

In closing, thank you, Kanye.  You make this would a better place by being here... Sort of like what Bush did for SNL.. Except with less Will Ferrell.  You are truly the Jimmy Fallon of rap, we don't always get what's so great about what you do, but we go along with it cause you are totally feeling yourself.

Monday, June 3, 2013

"You Are Not In The Business Of Funny," Patrice O'Neal on Fox

This is old and well known by many true fans of the late Patrice O'Neal, but I fucking love how he shits all over that simpleminded lady... And, on the Fox network!  So, as old as this is, I feel like not sharing it would be selfish, because even if it reaches only one person, then I did my job. 




The Reinvention of the Official Blog of Dane Daniel

Hello All,

I have gone through and deleted all my old blog posts.  "Why," you ask.  Well, simply put, it is in an effort to start-a-fresh.  Less simply put, it is to upgrade my internet image to something more reflective of who I currently am and what I am currently trying to do.  And, mainly, because, as I jump through the years like an aging kangaroo, my interests have somewhat changed.  Well, maybe not, but I've become a tad more practical.  

Let me explain it like this, I am currently making a life-altering pivot into stand-up comedy so that I can find the drive to do something that I love, again.  I know that all six people who used to read my blog, would recall that, at an earlier point in time, I was a bad ass white rapper who spit dope flows, fo' hoes, while sippin' 4-0's, in 4-doors (pronounced: fo'-ohs, in fo' doze).  Unfortunately, there was another white rapper (whose name I won't state, but it rhymes with Snacklesmore), who is my exact same age, from my exact same city, who put an additional four years into his craft and has now landed himself a large sum of fans and money...  And, this is only unfortunate for myself having given up midway into a, likely, lucrative and prestigious hip-hoppin' career on a very local level.  However, and this is where practicality comes in, as I have aged and become more comfortable in the suburbs where white people and Indian people (at least in Redmond, WA - the home of Microsoft) dwell, I have straightened out my hat bill, tightened up my jeans for the purpose of displaying a nicer cock-bulge, and am, now, trading out the mic that was once used for spittin' sickenin' rhymes for a less glamorous, but still ambitious, mic that serves no musical purpose but is stellar when used for telling edgy jokes about ass-pummeling midgets and things that are similar in nature.  So, yeah, I moved to the burbs from the city and my voice now sounds more like a news broadcaster than Jay-Z's... But, that was just paving the way for something new.  Something exciting.  Because, fuck yeah, comedy may still be somewhat of a pipe dream, but definitely to a lesser degree than the pursuit of a hip hop career as an almost 30 year old white dude living in one of the most affluent suburbs of the USA.  

So, welcome to the new blog associated with the website: http://theDaneDaniel.com.
Other domains that lead to my site are:  
http://theHaHaClub.com 
http://PooJokes.com 
http://ComicComeup.com 
http://OdorlessJokes.com.

Now, go do something with your genitals.
Sincerely,
Dane D.

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